Monday, December 31, 2012

Such a Goon

I can't just write about wine in a carton and not take the scaldiness down another filthy peg. This next glorious scald nectar stays true to the box but it doesn't fuck around with cartons.
Boxed/Cask wine. When available, it is the cheapest source of nourishment for any buzz fiend.

While there's a more intricate opening featuring a latch for easy pouring; it does not falter in the face of scald.


To all those unfamiliar to its glory; It is known as Goon. The most abundant liquid in Australia next to Fosters and the lesser known water.
Wine in a bag is probably an Urban Kings best option as it can be used as a pillow if you become overwhelmed by its illustriousness and are forced to sleep in the community playground.
In the possession of an experienced Scaldineer; it may be disguised as a balloon or jocked (hidden in your crotch area/underwear/jocks) due to its versatility.



Quantity: 1-10 litres 
Percentage: 8-18%
Scald Factor: 10
Taste: 2-7
Value: 8-10





























































http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgc8aicOkM1qfn8rko1_500.jpgThe national sport and most popular pastime in Australia:

Goon of Fortune
To play this game you need the following things: A rotating clothes line, pegs, a few friends & goon. Arms help but are not required. It's recommended that you don't bring your gag reflexes.
Similar to Russian Roulette: You'll probably die or end up speaking Vietnamese.
Spin the goon attached to the line. The nearest to the bag drinks. The game doesn't end. You do.
Penalties are to be enforced for interfering with the line's rotation and being dull.
For advanced players: Extra bags can be added to the line.



The Goon Challenge is also a strong option. 4litres and beyond. All you have to do is drink it in one night. Success is rewarded with two golden stars and a splitting headache.


To the more observant reader: Yes, I didn't follow the format of the two previous posts religiously. If you haven't already lowered your standards and punctured your expectations; you're missing the whole point of being a scaldy bastard. Wise up.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I Borg, You Borg, We all Borg for Tuborg

Beer(Lager) is a reliable drink that can bring you right to the front door of buzz and shift you like a lover on more performance enhancing drugs than the Irish Olympic Team; uncaring to how rank you look at the time.
 
On the topic of Lager, the drink that you can keep on drinking. I can't go without mentioning the beacon of hope that is:
TUBORG. The drink that can defy lower-case lettering at will. Danish Kings are rumoured to brew the beer using the teardrops of Norse Gods. I can't possibly stress the glory that is Tuborg enough. In a can, bottle or on draught, other feeble lager cowers in its superiority. The very mention of its name 'causes boring people to bleed out of their foreheads and demand a better life.


Common names: Borg, Tub Orgy, Too-borg, Tuborgé (if you're feeling posh), tub.org, Cyborg, Green Lantern, Liquid Soundtrack, Dinner, Turbo-G, Doleborg, FourBorg, Tubor-G, Tub Or G?, Liquid Lunch, The reason why I couldn't meet you last night.

Quantity: Bottle: 330ml   Can: 500ml   Pint: Don't ask stupid questions
Percentage: 4.0%
Scald Factor: See Below
Taste: 10/10
Value: 8-10/10
           

Scaldiness: One number cannot define this. Ghetto Rich. In the eyes of the beholder: it is reason enough to exist. Although haters do have a tendency to hate.

Taste: It's as if Odin shed tears into the capable hands of Danish Royalty and created new life.
Cold-Room temp: Perfection.
Warm: 8/10 (While it is less pure, the cereal flavouring flows across your taste buds, giving you a rustic quality that is arguably perfection in its own right).

Value: Top notch. Often found at a euro for a can. Fourborg comes in at a fiver and a six pack usually at €7. A pint should cost no more than €3.50. Anything more should be considered blasphemy and is punishable by death or at the very least: a well placed shite in the establishment's urinals.

Tips: If you encounter difficulty drinking this magnificent beverage; you are unworthy of beer consumption and must beg redemption from Hœnir, the Norse god of silence.
Although if you wish to drink it faster: A game of "I'll Drink To That" is always recommended. The rules are simple. You offer cheers and say those beautiful words. Liars have no place at the table/curb/car park when Tuborg is present; so you must drink to that or face an eternal conversation with Hœnir.
When the phrase is in yer head, it's not long before you have an outburst and...y'know...drink to it (or that).

Buzz Summary: Being a lager, you can have a range of buzzes from Having a few quiet drinks (4 max) and Drinkin'.
Drinkin' consists of anything from making a mess & having a laugh to making a show of yourself & having a seizure. Rowdiness is a given. The chances of arriving home with traffic cones is astronomical and drunk texts are guaranteed to make even the dullest of créatúrs have a briefly more entertaining life.
Balance can be shaken but in many cases Jenga is still a possibility.
Vision is impaired in the presence of trolls; and cameras(but not mirrors) will show evidence of squinting.

Prost, Na Zdravi, Sláinte agus Táinte & Get That Into Yeh.

The Scald Diaries

Due to a poor memory, numbed taste buds and being a complete cheapskate; I have decided to write a blog on being a scaldy bastard. Drinking whatever muck I can stomach or can tolerate long enough to get through the night, regardless of the following morning. It does eventually grow on you and expensive drinks do become disgusting in comparison to the glorious scald.

The blog will consist of everything you need to do in order to be an absolute mauldy fucker and do it in style & may also feature a series of examples and anecdotes of what can happen as a result. First and foremost, this blog will be a guide for anyone who is chosen to lead the life of the righteous(and scaldy) one and would like some information.

I'll start with the staple diet of The French & Urban Kings(Bums, if yeh want to be a dick about it): Wine
This is the stuff that will allow you to act like a complete bollocks and still have enough money to get a kebab after being ridiculed by every bouncer who lays eyes on you.
As seen above, Wine Box (Tesco's Holy Grail) will set you up for a delightful evening or morning.

Common names: Wine Box, Battery Acid, Vin de Fucked, Breakfast, Grape Juice.


Quantity: 1 litre Percentage: 11%
Scald Factor: 10
Taste: 4-7
Value: 7

I'm giving this fine beverage 10/10 for scaldiness. It's almost self explanatory. Wine in a fuckin' carton. Bearing likeness to a carton of fruit juice; this is a very useful feature for drinking in public. It can fool even the sharpest Garda. This also makes it well suited for easy disposal in almost any terrain.

4-7/10 for taste. The possibility of any ingredient not being artificial is slim & if I'm wrong, whoever grows those grapes must water them with battery acid.
If you're not accustomed to wine, it's not a bad start. I previously didn't like bottled wine and could only drink it from a carton. So if you're thinking about cracking into wine it's not a bad start. If not for the fact that it makes everything else taste slightly better. The White & Rosé can range between 4&7, depending on how much and what you've drank beforehand.

Value: The price can range anything from €4 to €7 for a litre. However, paying more than a fiver for it 'causes a chemical reaction inside the carton which speeds up the rate of degradation, thus hindering your ability to enjoy the entire one flavour (unless you count the after burn).

Buzz Summary: A very tolerable drink. If available for a fiver or less: It'll do the job. Otherwise, scald elsewhere. Generally there's an energetic drunk associated with this with mild word slurring. Balance left at an acceptable level(no worse than a limp). Double wine box, while effective, may lead careless headtheballs to get sick on their shoes.

In the event of difficulty of consumption; a game of Rock, Paper, Lush is in order. The game plays out like any normal game with the loser having to take a drink. Large groups can play at one time also. The number of people in the circle who beat you is to be matched with the amount of lushes.
Lushin' Roulette can also be played if you have a smooth surface handy. Spin the bottle sorta story.
There's also the option of growing a set and just drinking it.


Final Words: If you fail to drink at least 2 1/2 pints of water before going to sleep or start on an empty stomach; you deserve the full wrath of your hangover and you can continue to fuck right off until you're completely fucked, at which point you can go fuck yourself thoroughly for being a stupid fucker.