Tequila Mockingbird

Tequila, the drink that defies mixers. Who needs fruit juice & tasty soft-drinks when you can put seasoning for a fish into your mouth. It's Spanish for: "I need a plastic bag. Quick!".
The infamous tequila that leads many to get sick over bar counter tops and fight close friends is made from the Blue Agave (pron. Ah-gah-vay/Ah-gay-vee) Agave tequilana.  
The plant looks roughly how it feels going down. Particularly for the high percentage of people already struggling to tell their arse from their elbow when they get the courage or desperation to drink a few shots of it.

The drink is named after the nearby city where Mexicans first hatched their plot to make foreign house parties and get-togethers turn into a bare-knuckle boxing matches without any genuine reason. 

"Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone."
- Dylan Moran

Nicknames: Mr.T, Teq, Ta-kill-ya, Teeurghkerlyea (the only one I've heard that isn't tequila).
Percentage: Usually 38-40% [Can be 31-55%]
Scald factor: 8/10
Price: Corrida €20-22 (70cl) / Olmeca: €22-28

Olmeca Gold
Taste: Slightly sweet with a subtle touch of honey. You may also notice a hint of black pepper on the extra taste buds you'll suddenly develop in the back of your throat, although it can have similar flavours to whatever the last thing you ate was.

"Silver"/Blanco:
Taste: Similar to drinking methylated spirits while inhaling smoke from a campfire. Citric aromas blend with the flavours to perk you up and stop you from passing out at the wheel while driving home after a few quiet shots.

Corrida: 
Lidl, not being ones to disappoint, painstakingly select their ingredients to get a blend that delights the senses. Elements of citrus fruits and disinfectant with an after taste of more disinfectant. An excellent choice for cleaning a counter-top or your insides.

Northern Irish Shot: I'm sure there's various other names for a similar drink depending on where you get it but I was introduced to it as the Narn Arlin Shot so I'll go with that.
Instead of the classic lemon/lime and salt; it consists of an orange wedge with Tabasco on top of it as a chaser.
I'm not sure what makes it Northern Irish, but it's orange and it'll probably leave you petrol bombing your neighbours so it can't be too far off.
Although it may sound fairly harsh, it's become my favourite way to drink it. The three flavours balance each other out to kill the burn (or gag) and leave a sweet, but tangy, refreshing experience; so no matter how foul mouthed you get, it wont leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

Tequila Suicide: For those that have run out of ways to express self hatred and still love a challenge. Why make a volatile liquid taste more tolerable when you can damage your vision and sense of smell at the same time?
Snort the salt. Squirt the lemon/lime in your eye. Drink the shot. Look like a complete and utter nob.
It's as simple as that.

Mezcal: A common misconception is that "proper" tequila should have a worm in it.
If you're in any way disappointed that your local source of tequila doesn't contain a legless corpse; you can always go into your garden, dig a hole and fuck right off into it.

Agave americana - It looks the way it tastes

"Para todo mal, mezcal; Para todo bien, también" 

- For everything bad, mezcal; for everything good, the same.

Mezcal, from the Oaxaca (Wa|haka) region of Mexico, meaning "oven cooked agave", is traditionally drank featuring that tasty larva that gringos can't get enough of. Originally, the worm was a sign of contamination and thus a lower quality drink; now it has been elevated to a marketing ploy and a way to get cheap laughs out of foreigners. Something I find admirable about Mexico and indeed the human race as a whole. For this, I impart the most prodigious award unto this drink/arrest warrant: The Scald Seal of Approval.

Bon Appétit

The Late Late Toy Show Drinking Game

Yes. It's that time of the year again. Ryan Tubridy has a new shipment of festive jumpers. If you're not from Ireland and aren't familiar with The Late Late Show; you are incredibly fortunate and haven't missed anything.
However, once a year we are given this wonderful opportunity; breaking away from the perpetual excretions of semi-serious questions and answers to be faced with a surplus of joy, toys and all sorts of entertainment items aimed at incredibly underage and naive children. So why not add some fermented glory to the occasion?
As the show's clichés are clichés and that being that; there is little room for originality & there are already several variations of the game. Feel free to alter them as you please.

 If something similar to the following happens, you know what to do:
 

- 'There's one for everybody in the audience'
- If there's a hamper on the go
- If anyone advertises during the show
- A child makes a cheeky comment (take two)
- Tubs can't use a toy (one) (Finish the drink if he breaks it)
- A toy is already broken (two)
- A toy needs batteries
- A piano plays
- Someone sings (two for Tubs)
- Tubs looks like he's out of it (two for a sniff; 3 for a jaw clench) 
- Any mention of a competition (two if it's a phone-in)
- A dodgy musician makes an appearance
  *If it's Jedward, take 2 + 1 for every inch high their hair is from the forehead
 - Tubs gets ignored by a child (drink for duration)
- A sexual innuendo is made or if things get a bit "Jimmy Saville" (three)
- Every time tubs changes clothes/costume
- Tubs acts condescending to a child
- A child gets too nervous to talk (two + 1 for every "eh","em" or meaningless utterances)
- A puppet appears (three); If it's Dustin or Bosco (finish the drink)


If you started late or have two livers:
Drink for the whole car/bike parade
Drink for every performer you see (Watch out for the choir(s))
One drink...FOR EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE!


As it's a drinking game, it's very easy to fuck up the rules. That's why there's too many to physically drink. Just dive in and buzz. But if you reckon you're Godzilla amongst the world; go right ahead.

Merry November!

What's That Scalld Again?

Once Quite often I get asked what is the Scald? What does it mean? How can I be scaldy? How can I exploit people for money? Why do you exaggerate the qualities of mediocre drinks?
Great questions. Try to keep them to yourselves in future.

For the sake of the blog, I'll vaguely show some aspects of Scald; if the previous posts have failed to inform you. I recently held a competition for the scaldiest picture on my Faceblob page: Click This
If you don't follow it, you're already failing to hack the sesh.

A session not hacked

Being scaldy isn't necessarily about being out of it. Sometimes it's the complete opposite. Although not being out of it may still end up with you inside a bush.

Not the scaldiest bush I've ever seen

Scald can be incorporated into anything from sitting down to a nice dinner. From a bin. In an alleyway. Stretching all the way to a long peaceful walk in the middle of the road at four in the morning.
It can be about turning a blind eye to sell-by dates, standards, morals and anything else that may lead people to think that you're a functioning member of society.
It's also a sign of strength. Regardless of carrying tons of diseases or stopping yourself from gagging.
It shouldn't always be seen as a bad thing. It's one part being skint; five million parts heroin heroism.
It's saving your friends from vomit snipers, cartwheeling through windows & breaking the sound barrier to get into an off-license before closing time.

You may feel the scald choosing a container to put drinks in; or simply finding a place to put it.

Holding yourself together

 If it's gonna be scaldy; make it a buzz.

Also, sleep with an eye open
 

Seriously

Tamova Vodka

Vodka. Usually one of the cheapest & versatile types of spirits you can buy. It can be simultaneously used to sterilise first aid equipment & help you forget why you need it in the first place.
How better to start on vodka than with Aldi's own Tamova. And by that I mean starting on all of your friends 'cause after a few shots of this, you can go anywhere from being viciously drunk to viciously sick.


Percentage: 37.5%
Scald factor: 8/10
Price: (70cl) €11.50 - €12
Quantities: 50 & 70cl



Not quite starting from the bottom but at a height safe enough to fall from and only break the contents of the room and your leg. The dynamic qualities of this drink allows you to wreck an entire house without leaving the comfort of your chair.
Drinking Tamova straight gives you all the pros you'd usually hope to find in vodka. Whatever was in you, it's probably dead & if not: it wishes it was. The predominant taste is of mouthwash. If you can taste anything else; you're more than likely getting sick.

I was previously reluctant to write on vodka in general as it's been my first choice for a toilet shot and therefore not something I typically enjoy drinking. But if there's a will there's a warrant for an arrest so I went ahead and got some.
I try to avoid mixers when I can as they can sometimes make drinking take too much time & can change the desired effects of the drink; but I wasn't going into the deep end of wódka straight away so I did what I could.
 Here's a few ideas on how to add a nice touch to a drink, without belittling the scald factor:


Chili & Maoam Vodka

The tape was to stop us from drinking it before it was ready. It didn't work.

The bottle above has an ideal amount of chili in it. Below...not so much. I kept going past the half way mark after this & made some Vodka Chili instead. While it's never the first choice for a night out, it'll put hairs on your chest & quite possibly your arse.

Drinking Experience - Chili
The chili balances out the burn from the vodka fairly well & makes it enjoyable to drink. I'd recommend shaking the bottle and waiting a while between each extra chili. Or don't. (It'll continue to get more intense over the space of a few days). The flavour can vary depending on the chili used but generally it's in the region of pizza & burning taste buds.
The textures may also give you the feeling of tiny hairs or flakes being in it if the peppers lose their integrity. Generally it keeps its watery glory though. You can always dilute it with more vodka to make it easier to drink. And yes. I did say that.

Maoam
I didn't make the Maoam Vodka, but I fairly fuckin' drank it. Tastes really sweet & leaves loads of sediment that isn't worth the time to remove. The texture is smooth with chalky elements. You may notice the shock on the face of one of the shot glasses above ^ after being robbed of its scummy layer of sugar/chalk. Don't do it. The scald demands it.

Mint
Adding mint & sugar can make it taste like a completely different kind of mouthwash, if disappointment & disgust isn't your first choice.
Sweetness with little speckled, minty hairs.

Mixture of the above
It's what I imagine world peace to be like. Just do it. You can't possibly dislike it, even if you despise vodka.


If you've decided/been forced to drink it straight & need some motivation to drink it faster & fuck over other people; here's a beautiful way to do it:

Vodka Roulette
Get an even number of identical glasses (8 preferred ~ 80 recommended). Fill half of them with paint stripper & the other half with water. You can just pick them out of a mixed up circle/do it blindfolded or roll a die & turn a stool around the amount of times shown & drink the nearest one to you. Buying the game is a bit of a stretch. Keep 'er scaldy.

 
If you get any good ideas of ways to flavour filthy cheap drink or have a truly scaldy image or idea to consume said scald, send any pictures to this page.

It'll be included in an eventual competition for an official scaldy shoelace, the cheapest can I can find, a receipt with a penis and signature on it & the greatest honour of having the picture on a blog, which may or may not be credited. (Deadly serious).

Karpackie

Karpackie (rough pronunciation: Kar-pats-kyeh). Feel free to roll the "r". It sounds better than slurring it. Otherwise pronounce it the way you were already going to 'cause you're an ignorant English speaker who's idea of culture is drinking cheap beer. And what a culture it is.

Taste: Can: 5/10  Bottle: 10/10
Percentage: 5%
Scald Factor: 8/10
Value: 8/10

When Polish people aren't trying to confuse us with their complicated language, they're providing us with a means to find difficulty in our own. As with any lager that costs less than a Somalian prostitute, it features the word Premium which means absolutely fuck all. As you can see above, this fine beverage is 5% which places it above many common lagers in alcohol content (unless you're from Bratislava which places it somewhere in the middle of the drink mixer category).

In a bottle (330ml), it is truly the greatest beer I've ever encountered. Rivaling even the oral sensation that is Tuborg. It goes down easy with a beautiful aftertaste of barley, hops & possibly cardboard. 

In a can (500ml) the taste doesn't seem to hold up in comparison. Still, nonetheless staggering tall above the subtle flavours of wet dog and mop juice that can be found in its neighbouring lager Pražský. It still holds up as a cheap drink that I am not only willing to drink, but also to buy.

Overall as a beer, regardless of how it's packaged, it has a satisfying, rustic taste that more than likely accumulated over time from every barrel, vat & member of staff it came into contact with. The taste runs right from the trailer the cereals were carried in and straight to your mouth.

Suitable for all occasions. Whether it's a christening, a family outing or divorce; you can be safe in the knowledge that Karpackie wont leave you any time soon. Unless you can no longer hold the drink. Generally that's the cue to stop. 

Duct tape can often be implemented with the more dedicated consumer when co-ordination & dexterity become nothing more than words you can no longer pronounce.

Best served chilled & consumed in a dark alley that smells like piss. If a piss ridden alley isn't available to you at the given time, a carpark or childrens playground will suffice.

The can itself is quite dense which makes it an excellent choice for Wizard Staff. The Polish strength shines right through. The staff will remain impressive throughout the night right up to the point you collapse on top of it.

Cocktails

Sometimes even on a low budget, you might feel like adding a touch of class to your drinking & decide to include other drinks that you found have lying around or splashed out on. Cocktails can help you consume drinks that you can't/wont ordinarily drink or combine numerous drinks that you enjoy drinking and want a different taste.
Although it should be noted that if a drink becomes too nice, it is therefore shameful to drink & falls into the bitchdrink alcopop category. 

Karpackie Shpeedboat 

All you need is a Berocca Boost (any generic vitamin tablet will do) and the support of strangers and friends to add to the chalice that is the Karpackie shpeedboat. Doesn't neccessarily require karpackie but it's always greatly appreciated. 
If you don't end up regaining consciousness on a strange boat after this it means you're still running around frothing at the mouth screaming at inanimate objects and wildlife. 


Karpackie Sunrise
Gaining its name from the inspiring colour of the sunrise you're watching because sleep isn't at the top of your priorities if you're making this.

For some reason there's a squirrel's head on the top. Due to the uncertainty of the other drink's sources; there's probably some at the bottom too.

Above you should see a rough guide to making this cocktail. The general rule of scald is that you put whatever you find around you into the biggest/remotely clean receptacle you can find. Whether it be a plastic bottle, tall glass or vase, if it doesn't leak anywhere else but into your mouth, it'll do the job.

To make it a true Karpackie Sunrise, you'll need Southern Belle (cheaper version of Southern Comfort) for the base. Any cheap muck will do beyond that point for the wine and lemon & lime. The cheaper the better.

Why is the Karpackie put in two different stages? It's mildly entertaining to watch it fizz & that's how it was concieved. Surrounded by eyes full of disgust and curiosity. Upon completion, it was met with delight and lust. 

It tastes like rainbows & sherbert. If you hold onto your doubts & refuse to try this dazzling drink when the oppurtunity arrises, you do not deserve to have taste buds.

 There you have it! Karpackie. A drink to some. A way of life to others.

And how better to finish of this post than with an obscure Polish toast:

  

Żeby nam się dzieci tramwajów nie czepiał! 

To our children so they don't cling on to the trams!

Overhung

If you ever had a drink, which led to another before having several others with a drink to wash down the drinks you've had while drinking, you've probably heard of a thing called a hangover.

The morning after the night before leaves you feeling exactly how you look/looked.
Not how you thought you looked. Unless of course you thought you looked like this ==>

If the effects of binge drinking don't make you feel like you're the most attractive person this side of The Milky Way; drinking more than likely isn't for you.
Alternate activities you could consider include becoming a successful and functional member of society, joining a book club & emigration.


For those of you who don't know what a hangover is or have one but don't know why you hate yourselves so much, I'll start by giving a completely made up explanation.

When your body begins to absorb alcohol and break it down in your liver, there is a proportional increase in bad karma. This karma being bad is not good and that is not what you want. The information is displayed in this graph I just made. Graphs never lie. Never.

 

As you can see, there's already bad karma before any alcohol is consumed. Have a good hard look at that for yourself and think about what you've done. Don't even pretend you didn't have that sense of wrongdoing sitting on your shoulders. If you're drinking whiskey, sambuca or someone else's drink: multiply the results by 100.

Water: Much like drowning your sorrows, you can also drown out that negative karma with water. However, as most of my readers don't even drink water & purely obtain moisture from breath vapour when talking to people who stand too close to them, absorbing it via their skin; this may prove difficult.

Hair of the Dog: The infamous cure is the hair of the dog that bit yeh. Just like taking heroin or PCP, the most effective way of solving your problems is to take more of it. Never becoming sober is a highly addictive effective strategy which is recommended by leading doctors, including Dr.Dre & Dr.Seuss. Why prevent or cure something when you can outright deny it?


Fry Up: A hearty, cholesterol packed breakfast is always a great idea at any stage. Traditionally including pig muscle, fat & herbs held together in a tube of semi-plastic material, coagulated pigs blood w/ herbs, overgrown fungus, burnt bread and fried chicken period for good measure. Everything else is purely optional beyond that.

Toilet Shot: Similar to the hair of the dog, but with one underlying difference. You have no intention to keep the contents of your stomach. Commonly used when you wish to get sick but can't. Sometimes the only way to feel better is to have a brief session & a cuddle with the toilet. You scour the immediate area for any remaining drink & place it in a bottle cap or shot glass. The stronger/more disgusting the better. Like the title says, you take the shot over the toilet. My personal favourite is vodka. Domestos & petrol work to a similar effect.
Unfortunately, it becomes almost impossible to consume the toilet beverage on a night out so choose wisely. You can try if you like but after a few times doing it, I've found I can no longer drink bleach without ejecting my dinner onto the adjacent bartender.

Bed: The most widespread method of curing a hangover is laying in bed, moaning, claiming that you'll never drink again and wishing death upon every living thing. While this is the slowest way of regaining your previous remotely healthy physical state; it guarantees success and does wonders for your mental health.


I'll leave you with a final note to reflect on.
As I said in a previous post: If you get a hangover you deserve it. You evil bastard.


Anyone without a sense of humour, whether it's due to bad genes or having an actual hangover, here's a genuinely useful video on combating it: Actual Help

Such a Goon

I can't just write about wine in a carton and not take the scaldiness down another filthy peg. This next glorious scald nectar stays true to the box but it doesn't fuck around with cartons.
Boxed/Cask wine. When available, it is the cheapest source of nourishment for any buzz fiend.

While there's a more intricate opening featuring a latch for easy pouring; it does not falter in the face of scald.


To all those unfamiliar to its glory; It is known as Goon. The most abundant liquid in Australia next to Fosters and the lesser known water.
Wine in a bag is probably an Urban Kings best option as it can be used as a pillow if you become overwhelmed by its illustriousness and are forced to sleep in the community playground.
In the possession of an experienced Scaldineer; it may be disguised as a balloon or jocked (hidden in your crotch area/underwear/jocks) due to its versatility.

Quantity: 1-10 litres  Percentage: 8-18% Scald Factor: 10 Taste: 2-7 Value: 8-10

The national sport and most popular pastime in Australia:

Goon of Fortune
To play this game you need the following things: A rotating clothes line, pegs, a few friends & goon. Arms help but are not required. It's recommended that you don't bring your gag reflexes.
Similar to Russian Roulette: You'll probably die or end up speaking Vietnamese.
Spin the goon attached to the line. The nearest to the bag drinks. The game doesn't end. You do.
Penalties are to be enforced for interfering with the line's rotation and being dull.
For advanced players: Extra bags can be added to the line.



The Goon Challenge is also a strong option. 4litres and beyond. All you have to do is drink it in one night. Success is rewarded with two golden stars and a splitting headache.


To the more observant reader: Yes, I didn't follow the format of the two previous posts religiously. If you haven't already lowered your standards and punctured your expectations; you're missing the whole point of being a scaldy bastard. Wise up.