The Scald Diaries

Due to a poor memory, numbed taste buds and being a complete cheapskate; I have decided to write a blog on being a scaldy bastard. Drinking whatever muck I can stomach or can tolerate long enough to get through the night, regardless of the following morning. It does eventually grow on you and expensive drinks do become disgusting in comparison to the glorious scald.

The blog will consist of everything you need to do in order to be an absolute mauldy fucker and do it in style & may also feature a series of examples and anecdotes of what can happen as a result. First and foremost, this blog will be a guide for anyone who is chosen to lead the life of the righteous(and scaldy) one and would like some information.

I'll start with the staple diet of The French & Urban Kings(Bums, if yeh want to be a dick about it): Wine

This is the stuff that will allow you to act like a complete bollocks and still have enough money to get a kebab after being ridiculed by every bouncer who lays eyes on you.
As seen above, Wine Box (Tesco's Holy Grail) will set you up for a delightful evening or morning.

Common names: Wine Box, Battery Acid, Vin de Fucked, Breakfast, Grape Juice.


Quantity: 1 litre Percentage: 11%
Scald Factor: 10
Taste: 4-7
Value: 7

I'm giving this fine beverage 10/10 for scaldiness. It's almost self explanatory. Wine in a fuckin' carton. Bearing likeness to a carton of fruit juice; this is a very useful feature for drinking in public. It can fool even the sharpest Garda. This also makes it well suited for easy disposal in almost any terrain.

4-7/10 for taste. The possibility of any ingredient not being artificial is slim & if I'm wrong, whoever grows those grapes must water them with battery acid.
If you're not accustomed to wine, it's not a bad start. I previously didn't like bottled wine and could only drink it from a carton. So if you're thinking about cracking into wine it's not a bad start. If not for the fact that it makes everything else taste slightly better. The White & Rosé can range between 4&7, depending on how much and what you've drank beforehand.

Value: The price can range anything from €4 to €7 for a litre. However, paying more than a fiver for it 'causes a chemical reaction inside the carton which speeds up the rate of degradation, thus hindering your ability to enjoy the entire one flavour (unless you count the after burn).

Buzz Summary: A very tolerable drink. If available for a fiver or less: It'll do the job. Otherwise, scald elsewhere. Generally there's an energetic drunk associated with this with mild word slurring. Balance left at an acceptable level(no worse than a limp). Double wine box, while effective, may lead careless headtheballs to get sick on their shoes.

In the event of difficulty of consumption; a game of Rock, Paper, Lush is in order. The game plays out like any normal game with the loser having to take a drink. Large groups can play at one time also. The number of people in the circle who beat you is to be matched with the amount of lushes.
Lushin' Roulette can also be played if you have a smooth surface handy. Spin the bottle sorta story.
There's also the option of growing a set and just drinking it.


Final Words: If you fail to drink at least 2 1/2 pints of water before going to sleep or start on an empty stomach; you deserve the full wrath of your hangover and you can continue to fuck right off until you're completely fucked, at which point you can go fuck yourself thoroughly for being a stupid fucker.