Wednesday, February 27, 2013


Karpackie (rough pronunciation: Kar-pats-kyeh). Feel free to roll the "r". It sounds better than slurring it. Otherwise pronounce it the way you were already going to 'cause you're an ignorant English speaker who's idea of culture is drinking cheap beer. And what a culture it is.

Taste: Can: 5/10  Bottle: 10/10
Percentage: 5%
Scald Factor: 8/10
Value: 8/10

When Polish people aren't trying to confuse us with their complicated language, they're providing us with a means to find difficulty in our own. As with any lager that costs less than a Somalian prostitute, it features the word Premium which means absolutely fuck all. As you can see above, this fine beverage is 5% which places it above many common lagers in alcohol content (unless you're from Bratislava which places it somewhere in the middle of the drink mixer category).

In a bottle (330ml), it is truly the greatest beer I've ever encountered. Rivaling even the oral sensation that is Tuborg. It goes down easy with a beautiful aftertaste of barley, hops & possibly cardboard. 

In a can (500ml) the taste doesn't seem to hold up in comparison. Still, nonetheless staggering tall above the subtle flavours of wet dog and mop juice that can be found in its neighbouring lager Pražský. It still holds up as a cheap drink that I am not only willing to drink, but also to buy.

Overall as a beer, regardless of how it's packaged, it has a satisfying, rustic taste that more than likely accumulated over time from every barrel, vat & member of staff it came into contact with. The taste runs right from the trailer the cereals were carried in and straight to your mouth.
Suitable for all occasions. Whether it's a christening, a family outing or divorce; you can be safe in the knowledge that Karpackie wont leave you any time soon. Unless you can no longer hold the drink. Generally that's the cue to stop
Duct tape can often be implemented with the more dedicated consumer when co-ordination & dexterity become nothing more than words you can no longer pronounce.
Best served chilled & consumed in a dark alley that smells like piss. If a piss ridden alley isn't available to you at the given time, a carpark or childrens playground will suffice.

The can itself is quite dense which makes it an excellent choice for Wizard Staff. The Polish strength shines right through. The staff will remain impressive throughout the night right up to the point you collapse on top of it.

Sometimes even on a low budget, you might feel like adding a touch of class to your drinking & decide to include other drinks that you found have lying around or splashed out on. Cocktails can help you consume drinks that you can't/wont ordinarily drink or combine numerous drinks that you enjoy drinking and want a different taste.
Although it should be noted that if a drink becomes too nice, it is therefore shameful to drink & falls into the bitchdrink alcopop category. 

Karpackie Shpeedboat 

All you need is a Berocca Boost (any generic vitamin tablet will do) and the support of strangers and friends to add to the chalice that is the Karpackie shpeedboat. Doesn't neccessarily require karpackie but it's always greatly appreciated. 
If you don't end up regaining consciousness on a strange boat after this it means you're still running around frothing at the mouth screaming at inanimate objects and wildlife. 

Karpackie Sunrise
Gaining its name from the inspiring colour of the sunrise you're watching because sleep isn't at the top of your priorities if you're making this.
For some reason there's a squirrel's head on the top. Due to the uncertainty of the other drink's sources; there's probably some at the bottom too.

Above you should see a rough guide to making this cocktail. The general rule of scald is that you put whatever you find around you into the biggest/remotely clean receptacle you can find. Whether it be a plastic bottle, tall glass or vase, if it doesn't leak anywhere else but into your mouth, it'll do the job.
To make it a true Karpackie Sunrise, you'll need Southern Belle (cheaper version of Southern Comfort) for the base. Any cheap muck will do beyond that point for the wine and lemon & lime. The cheaper the better.

Why is the Karpackie put in two different stages? It's mildly entertaining to watch it fizz & that's how it was concieved. Surrounded by eyes full of disgust and curiosity. Upon completion, it was met with delight and lust. 
It tastes like rainbows & sherbert. If you hold onto your doubts & refuse to try this dazzling drink when the oppurtunity arrises, you do not deserve to have taste buds.

 There you have it! Karpackie. A drink to some. A way of life to others.
And how better to finish of this post than with an obscure Polish toast:

Żeby nam się dzieci tramwajów nie czepiał! 
To our children so they don't cling on to the trams!

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