Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Overhung

If you ever had a drink, which led to another before having several others with a drink to wash down the drinks you've had while drinking, you've probably heard of a thing called a hangover.

The morning after the night before leaves you feeling exactly how you look/looked.
Not how you thought you looked. Unless of course you thought you looked like this ==>

If the effects of binge drinking don't make you feel like you're the most attractive person this side of The Milky Way; drinking more than likely isn't for you.
Alternate activities you could consider include becoming a successful and functional member of society, joining a book club & emigration.


For those of you who don't know what a hangover is or have one but don't know why you hate yourselves so much, I'll start by giving a completely made up explanation.

When your body begins to absorb alcohol and break it down in your liver, there is a proportional increase in bad karma. This karma being bad is not good and that is not what you want. The information is displayed in this graph I just made. Graphs never lie. Never.

As you can see, there's already bad karma before any alcohol is consumed. Have a good hard look at that for yourself and think about what you've done. Don't even pretend you didn't have that sense of wrongdoing sitting on your shoulders. If you're drinking whiskey, sambuca or someone else's drink: multiply the results by 100.

Water: Much like drowning your sorrows, you can also drown out that negative karma with water. However, as most of my readers don't even drink water & purely obtain moisture from breath vapour when talking to people who stand too close to them, absorbing it via their skin; this may prove difficult.

Hair of the Dog: The infamous cure is the hair of the dog that bit yeh. Just like taking heroin or PCP, the most effective way of solving your problems is to take more of it. Never becoming sober is a highly addictive effective strategy which is recommended by leading doctors, including Dr.Dre & Dr.Seuss. Why prevent or cure something when you can outright deny it?


Fry Up: A hearty, cholesterol packed breakfast is always a great idea at any stage. Traditionally including pig muscle, fat & herbs held together in a tube of semi-plastic material, coagulated pigs blood w/ herbs, overgrown fungus, burnt bread and fried chicken period for good measure. Everything else is purely optional beyond that.

Toilet Shot: Similar to the hair of the dog, but with one underlying difference. You have no intention to keep the contents of your stomach. Commonly used when you wish to get sick but can't. Sometimes the only way to feel better is to have a brief session & a cuddle with the toilet. You scour the immediate area for any remaining drink & place it in a bottle cap or shot glass. The stronger/more disgusting the better. Like the title says, you take the shot over the toilet. My personal favourite is vodka. Domestos & petrol work to a similar effect.
Unfortunately, it becomes almost impossible to consume the toilet beverage on a night out so choose wisely. You can try if you like but after a few times doing it, I've found I can no longer drink bleach without ejecting my dinner onto the adjacent bartender.



Bed: The most widespread method of curing a hangover is laying in bed, moaning, claiming that you'll never drink again and wishing death upon every living thing. While this is the slowest way of regaining your previous remotely healthy physical state; it guarantees success and does wonders for your mental health.


I'll leave you with a final note to reflect on.
As I said in a previous post: If you get a hangover you deserve it. You evil bastard.


Anyone without a sense of humour, whether it's due to bad genes or having an actual hangover, here's a genuinely useful video on combating it: Actual Help

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